Blame Feels Powerful - But It Blocks Movement
Separating Feeling From Accusation
Blame Feels Powerful - But It Blocks Movement
When something hurts, blame arrives quickly.
It offers relief.
It gives the pain somewhere to land.
It turns confusion into certainty.
You’re wrong.
They caused this.
This shouldn’t have happened.
Blame feels strong because it simplifies.
But simplicity isn’t the same as movement.
Why Blame Is So Tempting
Blame reduces complexity.
Instead of asking, “What’s happening here?”
It answers, “This is your fault.”
Instead of examining patterns,
it assigns responsibility in a single direction.
That can feel stabilising, especially when emotions are high.
But blame does something subtle:
It places control outside you.
And once control sits entirely outside you, agency thins.
Feeling Isn’t the Problem
Anger is not the issue.
Hurt is not the issue.
Frustration is not the issue.
You can feel all of those fully.
You can be furious at 3am when the baby is crying.
You can be disappointed with your partner.
You can feel let down, misread, and exhausted.
Those feelings are real.
What matters is what you do with them.
Blame collapses feeling into accusation.
The agency separates feeling from action.
You can feel something intensely and still choose your response.
That separation is where power lives.
Responsibility Is Not Self-Blame
When we move away from blaming others, the fear is often:
“So this is my fault?”
No.
Responsibility is not fault.
Responsibility is recognising where your influence begins.
You don’t control another person’s behaviour.
You don’t control their insight.
You don’t control their timing.
You do control:
What you participate in
What you tolerate
How you respond
When you decide
That distinction is not about absorbing blame.
It’s about reclaiming authorship.
Why Blame Keeps Patterns Alive
Blame freezes the frame.
If the problem is entirely the other person's, your only option is to wait.
Waiting for them to change.
Waiting for them to realise.
Waiting for them to apologise.
Waiting rarely produces clarity.
When we shift from “Who’s at fault?” to “What keeps happening?”
The pattern becomes visible.
Once a pattern is visible, choice reappears.
Not a perfect choice.
Not an easy choice.
But a real choice.
What Working Without Blame Looks Like
Working without blame doesn’t mean excusing behaviour.
It means separating:
What happened
How you felt
What you choose next
That separation restores steadiness.
You stop arguing over who the villain is.
You start understanding what’s actually unfolding.
And understanding is far more useful than accusation.
Plainly Stated
Blame feels decisive.
But it rarely produces change.
It narrows the perspective.
It reduces complexity.
It places power elsewhere.
Clarity does the opposite.
It widens perspective.
It reveals patterns.
It returns agency.
You can acknowledge hurt without surrendering authorship.
You can feel anger without becoming governed by it.
And once you stand in that position,
movement becomes possible again.
Not because someone else changed.
But because you did.